Acceptance

2017

Acceptance

It is all started back in 2012. For several years I suffered from panic attacks - sudden attacks of wild, unrestrained fear for my life, health, and mental state.

Through photos of places and things that surrounded me, through a sequence of pictures I tried to convey the anxious expectation of another attack, the way it captures me, my feelings during it.

For me, it has become a vicious circle without the possibility to escape.

The principle of reiteration and alternation became the key to the project. On the one hand, this is a series of places, people, objects in which life has become a routine. On the other hand, it is a direct relation between the physical and mental state of my body. If the headache became stronger, the anxiety became stronger as well. And I thought maybe my head hurts because I'm worried, and not the other way around? The cause became the consequence, and the consequence — the cause.

I turned to my photographic archives and medical history. Landscape photos taken during the most difficult period helped me to create my own image of anxiety, and medical documents - to realize the senselessness of numerous medical appointments and create a sense of endless repetition.

I am already feeling a lot more peace with what I was experiencing, and, to a certain degree, continue to experience. Working with my feelings, a view from the outside gives me some sense of control over them.

I'm learning to talk about my condition, describe it. I want at least to get closer to accepting myself with my fears and anxiety. This project is an attempt to do this.